HOW TO: Make Friends, a Best Friend & Long-lasting Close Friendships 101

        Best friends – They’re always there for you, always looking out for you. If you get really lucky, they may even always have your best interests at stake no matter what, be truly happy for you, and not develop any bad envy or jealousy towards you. According to the Bible, there exists a friend who sticks closer than a brother. There are many reasons people make best friends. Whether it’s “just because”, or filling that empty void, or you can fill in the blank…I never started out with the thought of making one a good, close, or best friend…but as time went by the thought came. It’s always been quite easy, read on to see how easy it is to make friends. However, I must warn you that keeping those friendships for a lifetime and making them close bonds require a lot more.

I am most certainly not an expert in this matter, but 20 plus years of wonderful and most meaningful close relationships that I have been blessed with and able to keep strong have taught me few things that I am most delighted to share.

STEPS

Method 1 of 3: Start Making Friends

1. If you don’t have many friends, then make small talk. Small talk is the first part of developing friendship (or the second, if you have them as a classmate, workmate, co-religionist…). Small talk subjects often include the weather or what you do for a living, but another strategy is to talk about something around you. You might try a simple introduction by way of ice breaker (“Hi. I’m Jonathan”) and perhaps venture to:

   • Ask them about their hobbies to see if you can do something together within one another shared interests. Get to really know this person. Find their likes and dislikes, favorite activities, their favorite colors, etc. There is so much you can find out!
   • Listen. Don’t be the one that asks questions all the time and vice versa. If you’re asking them too many questions, (or too personal) some people might be overwhelmed. If you don’t question them anything, some people might feel awkward, having to lead the conversation alone. One street relationships never last. They may be entertaining at some point, but without getting some reciprocity or the other much involved, one can get fed up with leading alone all the time and give up on the relationship.
2. Do not go for the “popular kid” in the class/school. I’ve always been a very known person or at times very popular in most places I’ve been and I can assure that making new friends on top of the ones I already had was really not on my list. This is a given, and it looks like you’re trying something. Instead, hang out with a new girl or someone you’ve seen around, but don’t know yet. Try a shy person holding back – they may appreciate someone else making the effort for a change! Try someone who may have some issues – they will definitively enjoy the support and the relationship/friendship can quickly become much more meaningful.

3. Make sure to have a Value System:
   A value system is a set of principles and guidelines by which one abides. Sometimes these are societal (based on the society from which one was brought up), cultural (based on the prevailing norms of one’s culture) or else. However, in my view the ones with a long lasting impact are values based on one’s spirituality or desire to please their creator. For example, a friend who does not believe in stealing because he does not like to displease his creator is much likely to stick to it his whole life and not lead you to steal or shoplifts compare to one who only does so because it’s culturally frowned upon. What then if you guys traveled elsewhere where stealing was common?
   -Once you have a basic value system (some sets of Dos and Don’ts) look for ones who share such values or who at least, will not attempt to induce you into violating those values or may even join you in abiding by such values.

mETHOD 2 OF 3: GOING FROM FRIEND TO BEST FRIEND, BUT SLOW

1. 1

   Start hanging out with this friend. But don’t get too excited by talking too much of he/she will think you are a bit weird. If you are at school you can ask to hang out at break.

   If there’s a considerable distance between you that prevent sharing in activities, then remember the 3Cs: COMMUNICATION, CONSISTENCY, COLLABORATION. These 3Cs are essential to nurture any meaningful relationship on a long term regardless of its closeness or lack of. Without a good amount of communication, it won’t last I guarantee. Collaboration is necessary because after all it is somewhat of a partnership. Consistency is to a relationship what gas is to a car, the fuel which keeps reassuring a car driver’s of his car ability.
2. 2

   Nurture the new friendship/relationship.

   • Get their phone number and call them once in a while, maybe once or twice a week. Like plants don’t water them too often. Don’t call on the same day every week; try to pick a random day or keep it unpredictable to add to that person’s excitement unless they are extremely always busy and will rather much appreciate some scheduling or calls only within certain timeframe.
   • Give them gifts, there are plenty of occasions, just keep an eye for the opportunity. I have always been stingy at this. However, I can assure you that some great friendships started in light of the other person’s generous mind. It doesn’t have to be something big or expensive. Homemade gifts for me is the best option. It shows you are thinking of that person.
   • Write a handwritten letter. Sure, It’s easier to write emails or write on their facebook wall or better shoot a little something on the Linked page or Twitter. But, there is a certain charm to the handwritten letter or a card. Just how you took some time to find a suitable paper, write on it, and mail it instead of the online alternative, shows how much thought went into it. They may keep it for years to come! remember this is about building long lasting close and durable real friendships.
   • Ask if one day they can come over to your house, or do something fun together. Make sure you’ve known this person for a while first (people I’m talking about a real while here though, what length that while is, totally up to you. If you know someone for a day or two, then ask them to come to your house, they may find this a bit strange.
   • Some friendships come easily and nurturing them is not hard to do. Others, however, require more thought and action. That’s okay. Putting effort into a friendship doesn’t mean the friend is not right for you, it simply means that your friendship is different and you need to work to keep it strong. It has been my experience that those friendships with a healthy amount of reciprocity, or mutual action from both parties requiring thought and concrete action on a continuous basis provide the most potential for more satisfying, enjoyable, and lasting friendships. Most often than not, those turn out to be strong bonds where sincere love is always there and friends whose sense of loyalty is extremely strong able to withstand whatever life may throw.
3. 3

   Friendship is two-sided. It means you have to know if the other person views you as a friend as well. This is essential. You can tell in many different ways. Pay particular attention to the words spoken, the behind the scene attitudes and bodily expressions, the actions, and inactions. In general actions are by far louder than words. If someone tells me she loves me and really enjoy talking to me, yet she calls me once every year or once every three months I will have some serious doubts regardless of the excuses such person gives me.  PLEASE remember one thing, anything in life worth having and keeping or succeeding at always requires thought, action, or in an nutshell efforts. People unable or unwilling or incapable to put serious efforts at nurturing, developing, and maintaining any meaningful relationship, are in the long run exhausting and generally not worth to pull up with.

4. 4

   Get to know their friends and perhaps even family. If it doesn’t work out with your original friend, you will still be better off than before; with even more friends to try with. Once, I friended a dude and he was such a lazy guy at everything in life it rubbed me off the wrong way. Yet I got to know his family, and today his dad and I are still strong friends, though not too close, just because his dad and I had more in common.
5. 5

   Tell them that they are a great friend once you’ve really gotten to know them. Express how they make you feel or don’t be afraid to get personal once you really know them. However, always maintain respectful interactions that would not create insurmountable problems for you two if those interactions were exposed. Think of how touched your friend will be to get a note passed in class that simply says, “Hey, I haven’t told you in a while but I really do appreciate our friendship.” When I was 16, a childhood friend once wrote me: “Jonathan, you rock! you are an incredible friend and I’m very happy we’re friends.” Now, that did put a smile on me that day.
6. 6

   Tell the person a secret that you wouldn’t mind too much if they revealed, since sharing secrets builds trust. And to be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. If the person tells the secret, you will not have lost much (because you did not mind this secret getting out), but you will have learned that they cannot be trusted as your best friend. If the person keeps the secret, you can tell another slightly larger secret. Soon, your friend may build a track record of trust by keeping all of your secrets, and you will know that this is a person you can share your deepest thoughts with. Make sure to give yourself enough time to analyze things before revealing more.

METHOD 3 OF 3: BEING TRUTHFUL

1. 1

   Always be truthful when the subject matter involves your friend. Some things can be embarrassing, tough, challenging, and plain out upsetting to talk about. But if someone has a so called true best friend that can’t even bring such matters up and give them that tough love if needed, then what’s the point? A real friend is a brother born for days of distress…when times get rough this is when real friends are usually known because they stick by and or unafraid to bring matters that need to straightened in all truth. 
2. 2

   Secrets which you hold back about your friend may come out at a bad time and can have a serious negative effect on your friend.
   So you got some to say, hold it until you find the appropriate time, but please say it. If you just want to keep them, make sure to try your best to forget because otherwise it may very well come out.
3. 3

   Don’t make bold assumptions about the way they might think about you as most of the time. If you’re thinking it’s something bad, then you’re wrong! If this person is a true friend he or she will love you and be honest with you. However, you must not be too afraid to ask whatsoever may be on your mind and expect an honest reply.

 TIPS:

• Make sure you don’t overpower them. Give them room to breath!
• Make sure you are always there for them, in good times and bad times. Help them when they need help and just be a good friend!
• Have strong set of values by which you both aim to abide to maintain a respectful, long lasting, strong, close, and meaningful friendship.
• Develop a good sense of humor. A lot of people like people with good humor, they’re very fun to hang out with.
• Don’t laugh or ridicule about something that will make them feel insecure. They won’t like you for that!
• Even though it is possible to have a best friend, make sure they don’t realize you’re trying to make that happen. Don’t ask them straight up as you will seem desperate. Desperate people are always a turn off for me. Keep a close eye on them, but without risking appearing spooky!
• When they get embarrassed, don’t laugh at them. Just say something comforting instead.
• Try to laugh at their jokes (even if it’s not funny). That would make them feel comfortable!
• Be a little daring, if your friend is challenging you to do something (not life threatening or extremely wrong) then try it, for instance if they say you can’t climb to the top of the playground’s roof show them you can, they doubt you can eat 8 plates at a buffet, show them how it is done.
• If you’re becoming a third wheel because such person got friend with someone else, don’t be afraid to talk about it to your friend. A real one will make the necessary adjustments for you.

WARNINGS:

• It takes time. Don’t force the relationship, you’ll only hurt yourself and your friend.
• Some people don’t like you calling them very often; this is a major annoyance to certain kinds of people. Also, generally older people sleep from 9 pm onwards. Younger ones may be ok with calls until 12 pm, but if uncertain double check.
• Also age shouldn’t be an absolute factor when making friends young and old can be real friends especially after both have reached 21
• Make sure that this person isn’t mean to other people, or two-faced. This can happen quite easily. Some people might be sweet to your face, then gossip behind your back or lead double life. This doesn’t mean accuse someone of being two-faced when they’re really sweet, always verify the facts don’t make assumptions based on third party hearsays or without double checking your sources but you should just make sure this doesn’t happen. A deep inside mean person doesn’t make for a good friend. however, we all can be mean, belligerent, rude, or difficult at times. Just make sure this is not a habit.
• Best friends (as these friends of 60 years in the picture) can last a lifetime regardless of marriages, kids, or anything else just make sure to maintain the relationship.
• Don’t become a stalker, or be annoying. This is a major turn-off.
• Don’t copy whatever they do! Copy the good qualities and attitudes, but develop your own personality.
• Try not to visit your best friend every day, he/she may find it annoying and may think you’re getting in the way.
• Remember a best friend is not a lover so don’t confuse your strong bonds for some unspoken sexual attraction.
• Lastly while finding real friends who last a long time has become harder and harder in this perverted and materialistic world, when found the rewards by far outweigh all the risks.